Lately I have felt so behind in absolutely everything in life. No matter what I do, I just cannot seem to catch up. I'm behind in my school work for sure, which is just one of the worse feelings. I hate going to class knowing that I'm unprepared, and that look from professors when they know you're not doing your best is just terrible. Even the times that I work hard, the grades I get don't usually reflect my work. I feel a step behind in the social world even. It is already six weeks into the semester, and I know hardly anything about the freshmen on my floor or in the Conservatory. I even feel like relationships from last year are suffering. I feel behind in my physical life. I have no energy ever to do anything, and I'm not treating my body the way I should. Most importantly though, I feel so behind in my relationship with God. I can't establish a regular quiet time, and I'm struggling so much to hear him ltely. I feel so helpless right now, but that's because I am helpless. God is the only one who can comfort me.
In high school I was always the go-getter, the one who controlled every group project and made sure every little thing was in order. I always felt a step ahead in high school. To go from that to where I am now is such a change. I definitely loosened up in college, but I think I've become lazy in many ways. Every part of me wants to just let God be enough and just walk in his foot steps, but I don't seem to care enough right now to actually take action. I don't even care about small things in life anymore, like taking the time to change in my pajammas and go to bed. I get back to my room after a long day, and I crash on the couch or on the floor (not particularly comfortable...) before I even finish any homework.
Thankfully though, God is so good that He can really prove his strength so much in this time of weakness. I cannot help but look to 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. " Being behind is a reminder of the fact that I am not in control of this life. It isn't even my life to be in control of. God simply wants me to bring what I have to him, and he will take it and use it for good. Every part of God is good. That gets me every time. Learning to let God's grace be sufficient is tough, but it is so true. I need nothing else.
This summer, working at HoneyRock as a counselor, I finally learned what it means to let God love me and let the love transform me. I got over my embarrassment of God knowing me fully and just let God's love be the only love that I gave out. It was amazing, but the transition into letting God love me in the stress of college life has been hard. It was much easier in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. But God is God, and he is the same wherever he takes me. Thank you Jesus for loving me despite of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment